How to conquer shyness.

Long time, no write!!

Yours truly has been busy traveling the globe. Well, almost. I was in Israel for two weeks. Then, I was in Rome for almost a month, living with Benedictine Sisters in their cloister. Then, while still in Italy, I got sick twice with tonsillitis, which entailed having to visit the hospital twice (alone!!) and spending nearly 7 days in bed to recover. Then I spent six days out of the cloister, enjoying the city.
I also had to find a qualified professional to administer painful antibiotic injections into my backside for a grand total of six injections. My derriere will NEVER forgive me. And I will never forgive my tonsils.
I got tonsillitis for the third time upon my return to Canada. Thankfully, I'm on pills this time.

Now that I have serenaded you with that pleasant update... on to my topic: Shyness. This is a social problem. Shyness is not introversion, nor should it be considered a regular and acceptable trait of introverted people. I will expand on this later.

Shyness is debilitating and it hampers our ability to give ourselves freely to the Lord through service to our fellow man. An old woman spills the contents of her purse all over the floor of the supermarket. You want to help her collect her things, but a small voice inside you says 'no! What if she rejects your help? What if you try to help, and somehow make a mistake and upset her? What if you make a scene with your mistakes?'
Shyness has nothing to do with wanting to be alone for the sake of being alone. It has everything to do with isolating oneself out of FEAR. When we make a choice out of fear, it is never really a choice. Fear inhibits our ability to think clearly and to make fully informed decisions. Fear is the opposite of love. Fear is what prevents people from being selfless, the way Christ was selfless for us.

So, if fear really is what causes shyness, then what exactly is root of this fear? I used to be extremely shy. What was I afraid of?

"Rejection."

And why would people reject me?

"Because I am not perfect."

How does one become perfect?

"One must say and do everything perfectly without mistakes."

Isn't that impossible?

"Yes."

Then why make that demand if it isn't possible? Is it logical to demand something that is impossible?

"Well, no..."

Must the laws of the universe change so that your impossible demands may be met?

"It would be nice if they did, but that probably wont happen."

Hmm... I think we have just discovered the root of the fear: PRIDE. Shy people tend to make two very specific demands on the world: "Everyone must like and approve of me," and " I must be perfect in every way so that everyone may like me".

With such impossible demands, no wonder they avoid parties and avoid talking with people on a regular basis. One is bound to fail! And when a shy person fails, they start with the self-downing: "I'm an idiot, I'm an embarrassment. No wonder no one likes me. I've made a fool out of myself. It's the end. The eeeeend!!"

The sooner one ACCEPTS that their demands are not logical, and that trying to live out these demands never yield favorable social results, the sooner they can overcome their fear. More precisely, one must turn their 'demands' into 'preferences'. For example, rather that saying:

"Everyone must like and approve of me".

...one should rather say:

" It would be NICE if everyone could like and approve of me, but this is impossible. I sure don't like and approve of everyone I meet, so why should they do it for me?"

The same goes for demanding perfection. One should strive for social perfection in a certain sense, but one cannot demand that they be socially perfect at all times, as this is impossible, and one would be putting an impossible amount of pressure on themselves. Why torture yourself?

This doesn't limit itself to one being socially perfect. It's the desire for perfection in every aspect of life. Why, I study music, and I know this young man who is an EXCEPTIONAL pianist. I am wowed and awed every time he plays a piece. However, if he plays ONE WRONG NOTE, he wont shut up about how much he has screwed up, and he becomes extremely uptight and depressed. It's painful to watch. Shouldn't one rejoice in their mistakes so as to use it as a tool for learning? Why punish yourself for not fulfilling an already impossible demand?


On a more Catholic note: When I was living with the Benedictine sisters, we would pray from the Office seven times a day. We would sing the office, in fact. Some of the psalm tones were easy, and others were rather complicated. Not all of the Sisters had the musical gift, and often they would make mistakes. Whenever a Sister would make a mistake during the singing of the Office, she would kneel in her place for a few seconds, then sit back up again to rejoin the prayer.

I asked the subprioress why this was. She said that the Office is such a sacred prayer, when a Sister makes a mistake, she has to make amends for disrupting the Office by making a mistake.

I did not agree with this, actually. But, I do agree that the Divine Office is indeed a very sacred and profound way of praying to the Lord, but one should not punish themselves for not being perfect... especially with those difficult psalm tones. When one makes a mistake, it can be embarrassing and hard to accept, but one should thank the Lord for the lesson in humility; for the reminder that we are indeed human, that we make mistakes, and that we need the Lord in everything that we do so that He can raise us up out of the dirt and assist us as we walk the journey of our Christian discipleship. Isn't this why St. Paul rejoiced in his weaknesses?


Punishing oneself for not being perfect only deepens the lie that we are worthless unless we can do everything perfectly.

In this way, imperfection is a gift from God, since it reminds us that we need Him. Our imperfections deepen our need and desire for the Lord. Our imperfections can lead us to the childlike dependence of the Lord that we are all called to have; that beautiful, innocent trust. Yes, we must do our best in all that we do. Our mistakes must not be made out of willful negligence. But most of the time, our efforts fall short. When we do well, we must praise the Lord. When we make a mistake, we must turn to Him for assistance, and praise him still.

So you see? I believe shyness can be a form of pride. But I don't think it's always a form of pig-headed pride. Human beings are a little more complicated. It can have everything to do with how a child has been raised. A child can be raised in an environment where his/her parents withdraw their love unless the child behaves in a way that is 'perfect'. The child learns to believe that in order to be lovable, he/she must be perfect. It's sad, but that chain of thinking can be broken by introspection, self awareness, and an act of the will.

 Oh yes, introversion. Introverted people don't need crowds to get their energy. But that doesn't mean an introverted person is unable to go to a party, approach people, shake hands, introduce themselves and others, etc. It's called common courtesy and manners. An introverted nature should not be used as an excuse for people who have poor manners and the inability to socialize to avoid crowds. Remember, if it's debilitating, shyness caused by pride is the most likely suspect.

It's amazing. Our need for love drives nearly everything of what we do, how we think, and how we behave. That's how hungry we are for love.

Sincerely, Yours truly.