I don't want to get out of bed. I love my bed, I love my pillow, I love my computer, I love my lizard (yes I own a pet lizard), I love my piano, I love my solitude, I love to sleep in and I love to take my time to get ready to go out. As you can see, I have a lot of love to give. Why do I bother myself with so much Mass? Why can't I just go once a week? Or less? Why does going to Mass have to be a manifestation of my love and devotion to God? Why can't I just be nice to people and have the luxury of sleeping in while I'm at it?
Why do I NEED Church? Why can't I just be nice to people for my whole life. What does "Church' offer ME?
Hmm...
You know, I'm at the Cathedral so much, working and praying, that sometimes I get lost in a cloud of routine and I often lose sight as to why I desire to show up in the first place. I guess it's a lot like marriage. Once the honeymoon period is over and real life happens, the drudgery of life seeps in and then you begin to think, "Why did I do this in the first place?" Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of why we fell in love with that special someone in order to put the drudgery in perspective.
And so I ask myself: Why did I set foot inside a Catholic Church in the first place?
Did I feel like I needed Church? Well, no, actually. I did not enter the Church because I felt the institution could OFFER me something that I was missing in my life. I didn't hear about how religion 'works' for people and was hoping to have religion work for me as well. I didn't come to Church because I was a lonely teenager looking for companionship and friends.
So why did I come to Church?
I have to tell you, I was not the instigator, but it was God. I set foot inside the Church as a RESPONSE to something that had been placed in my heart long before I thought of attending Church. And that something was: "I AM here, open your eyes and you will find Me."
But there was something I needed from the Church, and that was education. I needed to learn about God, and I needed to learn how to pray to Him. The Church shared her knowledge, and out of my free will I accepted that knowledge.
There's more to being Catholic than to being a good person. One must learn to live a life that is RESPONSIVE to the will of God. It is most definitely a life of love. I wish I could explain it further but I'm a little too fried for such profound introspection at the moment.
So, I have concluded that I attend Church as a free act of will to respond to the calling of God.
It is nearing Easter, and my boss is working me like a pack mule. Cleaning, polishing, ironing...more cleaning, wax removal, etc. By the grace of God I have been able to fulfil all of my duties and to retain a sense of responsibility. Looking back, there is no way I could be able to sustain myself in this kind of work without the gift of faith, since it is faith that gives me sense of responsibility a purpose. Otherwise i would have just said "Screw it" and would find work elsewhere.
However, sometimes I get so wrapped up in the sense of responsibility that I forget why I began that work in the first place. Heck, sometimes I attend prayer and I don't even PRAY! Five mornings a week, morning prayer is offered. I show up, say the prayers with the group, sing loudly, sit through Mass, then leave. Routine, routine, routine. A part of me believes that what I have done is good, since I have fulfilled my responsibility to attend prayer. But as a Catholic, I have the responsibility to actually PRAY, and in that sense, I have failed that responsibility. My external responsibility has overshadowed my spiritual responsibility.
I have to confess, sometimes I show up just so people can see that I have actually shown up...and I don't always show up to pray. This is where I fail. The external routine adds to the sense of drudgery. Who knows where this comes from.... When other people are around my mind tends to rest on them rather than God. People make me nervous. I have social anxiety, by the way. Heck, who doesn't.
I'm going to make a daring analogy: showing up at Church without praying is a lot like using sex as a cornerstone in a marriage. One is only offering their body but not their entire self. No relationship can survive with the use of the body alone. There needs to be giving of SELF and communication, and compromise. I know that people whose relationships depend on the sex burn out quickly. It's the same as shoving my body in the Church without the engagement of my whole being. No wonder I feel so tired sometimes.
God, teach me to pray again.
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